Ask me anything
Lately there are too many questions and not enough answers. I’m standing before crossroads after crossroads after crossroads. The fear doesn’t diminish over time and the confidence can’t grow over the mistakes. I am trying to find a fire, something that will burn undoubtedly in painful but worthy ways. I guess one thing that I’ve never really been afraid of is struggle. Ever since I was young, my logic overpowered me through whatever that I needed to overcome. Although now I see it as blessings, I undeniably had to deal with more than the usual television childhood. Perhaps it’s been a lifetime building of immunity towards unexpected misfortunes but I have accepted it was just life. I always push through everything and I’ve successfully pushed through it all. Not denying that there were chances for better choices but nonetheless, I am still going.
Because independence has become an innate part of me, I am having more and more difficulty letting others into my life. It has hurt some in the process but I cannot help but to keep my defense. And because I’ve been able to do everything on my own and talk myself through everything, I am scared of developing dependency on anything or anyone. I guess the reason being that things like that can only be temporary and being attached only means getting hurt when it’s gone. I’m not ashamed to admit that I only seem tough because I never let myself get in situations where I cannot deal with the consequences. So I stay in this confined comfort space where I know even if things get bad, I would be able to pick myself back up. But, lately I feel as if I’m being pull in all directions out of this comfort. I know that it’s finally time to face the final step of growing up. And I would give anything to plead for just a little bit more time to let me get my breathing at least in the right pace but that’s just not how life works.
And I guess this is the fire that I was looking for all along. These past months, I’ve been burning in imaginable ways. Sometimes with passion and other times in doubts. Finally, I’ve come to accept that I am facing the biggest changes in my life.
Back at square one but still never afraid to fall.
“ I had an auto-repair man once, who, on these intelligence tests, could not possibly have scored more than 80, by my estimate. I always took it for granted that I was far more intelligent than he was. Yet, when anything went wrong with my car I hastened to him with it, watched him anxiously as he explored its vitals, and listened to his pronouncements as though they were divine oracles - and he always fixed my car.
Well, then, suppose my auto-repair man devised questions for an intelligence test. Or suppose a carpenter did, or a farmer, or, indeed, almost anyone but an academician. By every one of those tests, I’d prove myself a moron, and I’d be a moron, too. In a world where I could not use my academic training and my verbal talents but had to do something intricate or hard, working with my hands, I would do poorly. My intelligence, then, is not absolute but is a function of the society I live in and of the fact that a small subsection of that society has managed to foist itself on the rest as an arbiter of such matters.
Consider my auto-repair man, again. He had a habit of telling me jokes whenever he saw me. One time he raised his head from under the automobile hood to say: “Doc, a deaf-and-mute guy went into a hardware store to ask for some nails. He put two fingers together on the counter and made hammering motions with the other hand. The clerk brought him a hammer. He shook his head and pointed to the two fingers he was hammering. The clerk brought him nails. He picked out the sizes he wanted, and left. Well, doc, the next guy who came in was a blind man. He wanted scissors. How do you suppose he asked for them?”
Indulgently, I lifted my right hand and made scissoring motions with my first two fingers. Whereupon my auto-repair man laughed raucously and said, “Why, you dumb jerk, He used his voice and asked for them.” Then he said smugly, “I’ve been trying that on all my customers today.” “Did you catch many?” I asked. “Quite a few,” he said, “but I knew for sure I’d catch you.” “Why is that?” I asked. “Because you’re so goddamned educated, doc, I knew you couldn’t be very smart. ”
Isaac Asimov (via skinnybaras)
I can’t quite explain the changes in my life that are happening right now. Never would I thought I would be brave enough to have done all the things that I’ve done in the past few months or so. I’ve always been cowardly when it comes to facing things that I know would devastate me. I hardly ever blind to the bads in my life but often times I choose to be blinded for a little longer for denial. No one really knows you better than yourself and I know perfectly well how fragile I can be when it comes to certain parts of life.
Lately, I had to reevaluate the ideals of loving a person. Regardless what happens to me in relationships or all of my experiences regarding relationships, whether through first person or as an outsider, it won’t change the way I love someone. I think loving someone is an innate part of us and you love a person by how you’d want to be loved. But what did change was learning how to love myself and why it should never stop. I finally realized what it means to love myself and to accept that it’s not selfish. And that when you love yourself, you’re okay with other people not loving you. I’ve finally learned to let go of something that was hurting me. It used to be the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I go to sleep. It was eating me away and draining out all of me. You never thought that someone would be so selfish and hurt you in unimaginable ways. I never thought I would have to learn to forgive such cruel things and to accept someone who continuously hurt me. It was definitely one of the harsher things in life that I had to learn to deal with on my own.
Maybe I am just too afraid to admit that disappointment is just one step ahead. Is it wrong to have hope? Is it wrong to want to try to believe that you are that changed man?
If only you can just be yourself.
the perfect relationship.